Saturday, January 20, 2007
One of my close friends died yesterday. She was 16 years old. Some asshole hit her with a car. I don't want to go off on this tangent about how he should be killed and all that angry stuff, but I do want to say I hope it hurts him. I know what death is, but it's never hit me this hard. My grandparents died, but I didnt understand it then. Now I can't help but make all the complicated questions spring to life in my mind. Where is she now? Where's that spark that used to be my friend? extinguished? Can't be. She was so much energy in one space...she defied the laws of physics...maybe she defied the laws of nature and is alive somewhere? I can't write anymore, this just hurts so much, I can't believe it. She's actually gone. She was too damn young to take that trip alone. Way too damn young.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Is it all about the sex?
I look back at both of my gay experiences and they really were nothing more than just the desire for sex. Granted, I put myself out there for them and wanted more from the whole deal, but they just wanted to bed someone. So, I guess, that question is up for debate. Is there a way to have a relationship with a guy and it not be based solely on sex?
I really don't know the answer. I don't pledge to know any way to come to the answer. I wish that I knew so that way I could tell atman82 as well as the knowledge for myself. I really want to know that if this is an exercise in futility or not. If it is, then I will try being straight again so that I can actually know what it feels like to be loved, even if I might be lying to myself.
Of course, I guess I could be a bit stingant about my past experiences. I have had only two, with younger guys, and it ended up with us not talking anymore, at all. *sighs* I hate to think that I would talk to another human being, but I have just... left someone and have not talked to them since that last day. I have done it before...
But why am I talking about that? I am going off on a rabbit trail...
So, is there any point? Is there any reason I should keep trying to be gay when there is no promise of a relationship waiting for me? Granted, for me being the way I am, being straight can't promise me that either, shy of being with a butch girl and I am not doing that...
Is it wrong to question this? Have I come to the crossroad that I can go back and "revert", as it were? Should I? What would happen? Would it be my destiny? Is it what I am destined to do?
*looks down*
I guess I need to spend some alone time and see if I can come to an conclusion about this. I am not leaving OP, not by any stretch of the imagination. I maybe just feeling a little depressed and I will be fine later on, but for now, the questions still remain.... Is this what I am supposed to do? Is being gay only about the sex?
I really don't know the answer. I don't pledge to know any way to come to the answer. I wish that I knew so that way I could tell atman82 as well as the knowledge for myself. I really want to know that if this is an exercise in futility or not. If it is, then I will try being straight again so that I can actually know what it feels like to be loved, even if I might be lying to myself.
Of course, I guess I could be a bit stingant about my past experiences. I have had only two, with younger guys, and it ended up with us not talking anymore, at all. *sighs* I hate to think that I would talk to another human being, but I have just... left someone and have not talked to them since that last day. I have done it before...
But why am I talking about that? I am going off on a rabbit trail...
So, is there any point? Is there any reason I should keep trying to be gay when there is no promise of a relationship waiting for me? Granted, for me being the way I am, being straight can't promise me that either, shy of being with a butch girl and I am not doing that...
Is it wrong to question this? Have I come to the crossroad that I can go back and "revert", as it were? Should I? What would happen? Would it be my destiny? Is it what I am destined to do?
*looks down*
I guess I need to spend some alone time and see if I can come to an conclusion about this. I am not leaving OP, not by any stretch of the imagination. I maybe just feeling a little depressed and I will be fine later on, but for now, the questions still remain.... Is this what I am supposed to do? Is being gay only about the sex?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The 22nd of November...
An odd date to be sure. One that saw our country deep in sorrow in 63. I can remember it somewhat...only two at the time your probably saying Huh? how could your remember a date from when you were two? Easy enough really...It was my birthday, hard not to forget shopping at the supermarket with your mother on your birthday when the main point of going there was to pick up the supplies, the cake, Ice cream and soda. An announcement came over the stores public address system, seems the store manager had the radio on in the back office at the time when the news was told. I remember hearing the address over the PA, not thinking much of it at the time. But, in that moment the world seemed to stop. Everyone stood where they were...as if the life had been sucked out of them. I remember my mother started to cry, now when your two, and you see your mother cry well your bound to join right in. The Pa system came on anew..the store manager had keyed it so the people in the store could hear the news reports coming in on the radio. It was about that time my dad returned from his trip to the connected drug store, the look of sadness and grief on his face is one I'll always remember. In my entire life I'd only seen that look on my dad's face twice, once on that day, and once again when my sister died many years later. Always a strong man he was not one to show his emotions, but what happened in Texas that day touched all and made our world a little colder.
With each birthday that passes now, I'm always reminded of that one. A day that should of been of happier thoughts and remembrances was now tarnished by what we all had lost. The bright future that had been stretched out before us was taken away. If the man had lived, had not gone to Texas that morning what might have transpired? Would we be where we are now? I don't know? All I do know is two year old's shouldn't have to see their parents break down and cry in a supermarket, parents shouldn't have to bury their children, and country's shouldn't have to grieve for lost leaders because someone thought their ideology was better.
For my birthday wish this year....I'll ask for peace...understanding.... and love. Seems like the world could use some of each right about now.
With each birthday that passes now, I'm always reminded of that one. A day that should of been of happier thoughts and remembrances was now tarnished by what we all had lost. The bright future that had been stretched out before us was taken away. If the man had lived, had not gone to Texas that morning what might have transpired? Would we be where we are now? I don't know? All I do know is two year old's shouldn't have to see their parents break down and cry in a supermarket, parents shouldn't have to bury their children, and country's shouldn't have to grieve for lost leaders because someone thought their ideology was better.
For my birthday wish this year....I'll ask for peace...understanding.... and love. Seems like the world could use some of each right about now.
Friday, November 03, 2006
My first time M2M sex
My first time to have sex with a man was my freshman year in college. I had always been curious and would “check” out guys in the locker rooms or bathrooms at school. I never tried anything and never had anyone try anything towards me.
My girlfriend at the time was out of town one weekend early in my freshman year as was my room mates. The dorm was quiet on Friday night, most people were out of town or out parting, neither of us had much money so we stayed in with some beer and cheap wine. We sat around talking and drinking, drinking and talking. Well after a few drinks I had to pee as you can imagine my room mate said to watch what I was doing or I would pee on the wall, I was not that drunk. He offered to help me to keep the bath room from getting messed up, all I could say was “Yea right”
He followed me into the toilet area and stood behind me, I was curious enough to see what he would do and nervous enough not to say anything. He stood behind me unzipped my jeans and held my cock while I peed. Nothing said, zipped me back up and we went back to drinking and talking.
Well in a bit he had to go pee, so I took a chance and told him I would help him out to return the favor. I was thinking “Wow are you going to do it or chicken out” I followed him into the toilet and stood behind him, unzipped his jeans, pilled out his cock and held it while he peed gave him a little shake and then walked away.
He followed me out with a funny look on his face. He told me that was great and he never thought he would ever let another guy touch him. I kept looking at his face and asked him if he had thought about this and he said no but other things and was always curious. I admitted to him that I had been curious for years but never told anyone.
He asked me if I wanted to try more, all I could do was swallow my drink and shake my head yes. We stripped off and spent the next hour touching and stroking. At this point I stopped and he looked at me, I found the courage to smile and say I want to try more. He blushed and said OK but if either of us wants to stop, we stop. I agreed, slid down the bed and started stroking him again, and then after a few minutes I again found the courage and took his cock in my mouth. I was clumsy and not very good I am sure, but he enjoyed it enough that after only a couple of minutes he tensed up and I started to pull off as he shot a big load, I got a small taste…and yes I did like it…and my first facial. He returned the favor but pulling off quicker. He did dip his finger in my cum on my stomach and tasted it, he did not like the taste.
We spent the remainder of the weekend in bed together and I tasted his cum many times. We spent many nights together the rest of the school year but lost touch after that year.
My girlfriend at the time was out of town one weekend early in my freshman year as was my room mates. The dorm was quiet on Friday night, most people were out of town or out parting, neither of us had much money so we stayed in with some beer and cheap wine. We sat around talking and drinking, drinking and talking. Well after a few drinks I had to pee as you can imagine my room mate said to watch what I was doing or I would pee on the wall, I was not that drunk. He offered to help me to keep the bath room from getting messed up, all I could say was “Yea right”
He followed me into the toilet area and stood behind me, I was curious enough to see what he would do and nervous enough not to say anything. He stood behind me unzipped my jeans and held my cock while I peed. Nothing said, zipped me back up and we went back to drinking and talking.
Well in a bit he had to go pee, so I took a chance and told him I would help him out to return the favor. I was thinking “Wow are you going to do it or chicken out” I followed him into the toilet and stood behind him, unzipped his jeans, pilled out his cock and held it while he peed gave him a little shake and then walked away.
He followed me out with a funny look on his face. He told me that was great and he never thought he would ever let another guy touch him. I kept looking at his face and asked him if he had thought about this and he said no but other things and was always curious. I admitted to him that I had been curious for years but never told anyone.
He asked me if I wanted to try more, all I could do was swallow my drink and shake my head yes. We stripped off and spent the next hour touching and stroking. At this point I stopped and he looked at me, I found the courage to smile and say I want to try more. He blushed and said OK but if either of us wants to stop, we stop. I agreed, slid down the bed and started stroking him again, and then after a few minutes I again found the courage and took his cock in my mouth. I was clumsy and not very good I am sure, but he enjoyed it enough that after only a couple of minutes he tensed up and I started to pull off as he shot a big load, I got a small taste…and yes I did like it…and my first facial. He returned the favor but pulling off quicker. He did dip his finger in my cum on my stomach and tasted it, he did not like the taste.
We spent the remainder of the weekend in bed together and I tasted his cum many times. We spent many nights together the rest of the school year but lost touch after that year.
Monday, October 30, 2006
chat proper or get messed up!
As I opened the chat site I had all those rookies whom I chatted with last night. I did not play with any of those as there was plenty fun yesterday. Then popped up someone I had it other day in the car. He said he could not stop over here while on way back home as he did last time. But he said he had good time wherever he went for work. He enquired whether I had any jaunt in between. I said no. He said he could not believe this. So I made up some story which was quite convincing and he thought everyone was like everybody and particularly like him. He wanted to know more of the city's green pastures. I said there were hardly any existing as green. I could judge that he was not being fed with proper information so he stopped chatting. I had some more urgent work in the bank. I rushed out with papers in hand. The bank work could not be done as new system of core banking had been introduced recently and staff boys were lacking knowledge of it. I wasted so much time in this long travel to the bank and I wanted to relax my mind and hit a coffee cafe, ordered a steaming hot coffee sitting alone. I was training myself not to stare into anybody as this habit of mine was detested by my bf I had been also chatting with last evening. He wanted to make really hot chat and I was not getting the hint and he got off the chat abdruptly. He comes rarely on the chat and that too I mess up badly. So I gotta be careful on the chats and rarely would I come on it. Atleast not today!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Might be the one...
m I in love at first meeting? I don't know... All I know is that I met someone tonight, that makes my heart beat rapidly just thinking about him! His name was Josh, and I could not take my eyes off him. He approached me and leaned in with an "Are you a cop?", which I get all the time. Our conversation went on from there and eventually spilled onto the street because it was closing time. I made it a point to get his number, and mentioned that I would call him tomorrow. I shook his hand and said it was great meeting him. Then turned and walked away. My body was screaming to have done a bit more, or at least offered him a kiss before we parted, but I did not want to come on too strong. I know...DUMB, because he was coming onto me! I am just not a fast mover. But this was the first time in my life that I had a very, very hard time walking away. My heart raced and my mind swirled the entire ride home. I am still trying to figure out why I am feeling this way. I cannot hardly wait to call him...an I am trying to figure out when would be a good time to call him. It would be so great if I could get him to go to dinner or anything else tomorrow. I am so excited, I just can't stand it! I hope that he still has interest tomorrow, because I am SO EXCITED to see where this might go. I am expecting nothing, but I am hoping for so much more! I am counting the minutes untill I get to call him. I feel almost like a little kid right now. Well I know this wasn't a greatblog for the readers, but I just had to put some of these crazy thoughts into words to maybe understand this a little better.
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Monday, October 16, 2006
Single Much?
I am really despising being single. I am so tired of watching everyone else taking the next step in their lives with other people, while I just sit on the sidelines cheering them on. When am I going to meet a guy who honestly and truly cares about me? Everyday I am alone is another day wasted on gaining relationship experience. And I find myself becoming self-concious. Like maybe I don't deserve to be in a relationship or that there might not be a guy out there for me. The only men who actually are interested in me are ones who are just into me for my body which really isn't that spectacular, not to mention they are old enough to be an uncle or some crap like that. I am so effin' lonely. I swear this is getting tiring. I am also tired of people telling me that I have to lower my standards to find a guy. I know my standards are high AND I APOLOGIZE FOR SOUNDING SHALLOW, but if I am not getting what I want in a person, how the hell am I expected to be happy? Where is the guy for me? Why haven't we met yet? Why is it that he doesn't just enter my life already? I am so sick of looking at guys I am interested in knowing deep down that they are str8 and possess no romantic feeling for me whatsoever. No matter how many times they look at me or how they say "Zach I love you" or how they say "Zach if I was gay I would so be after you". That's sweet guys, but you can only say that to me so many times until I start getting disappointed that it's not true. The best I get from them is friendship which really depresses me too. I love all my guy friends. Is it too much to ask for one guy to be in a loving and caring relationship with? I know I need to be patient but I feel long overdue for this experience. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT.
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Sunday, October 15, 2006
An Autumn Dream
My dream begins with us, my sister and I, arriving as a couple at some sort of party. Things are really boring! And I wonder about perhaps grabbing sis and leaving when a call of nature takes over... being a tiny bit tipsy, I blunder into the ladies room. My sister and some of her friends are there. There are other women too, about 10 or 15. Now, my sister knows perfectly well that I like to dress-up in panties and stockings, something she has never had a problem with. After all, when we're girl to girl, she gets her pussy suckled for literally hours...
But tonight she grabs me by the crotch and says, "girls, my brother has sooo much to show you..." He thinks he wants to be a girl. So lets help him. Before I know what's happened, my guy clothes are off and some one hands me their panties. Another takes off her corset and says "I think this may fit". My always helpful sister reaches into her purse and brings out an artificial vagina to keep everything tucked up. After this, I'll have to watch where she surfs on the web, the bitch!
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Suddenly a gorgeous, long haired wig is being fitted. Other ladies begin doing my makeup and nails. silk stockings and heels that fit are produced. This is a dream! Some one hands me a very frilly, see trough blouse. She has really nice tits and in not wearing a bra! She pulls on a T shirt from somewhere, with her nipples showing... even though my balls are scrunched up inside of me and penis is stretched between my legs, I can feel it getting soaking wet!
Everyone begins to file back to the main area of the house, me included. As we enter, most of the guys are in various modes of undress, necking and kissing different women, usually some one other than who they came with. I find myself in the middle of a developing orgy, posing as a quite passable female. None of the guys notice anything odd and all of the women in the room keep one eye on me to see how the new girl will react.
Someone has his arm around my waist and is sliding his hand down over my bum. A bum that suddenly feels much fuller and rounder than normal. His fingers begin to probe the crack of my ass! And he has turned me towards him and is nuzzling his head between my boobs. Whoa! I don't have real boobs. Apparently I do now! About C cup and oh do they have gorgeous nipples.
I glance sideways and see my sister grinning. She has her own man standing behind her. She deliberately takes his hands and places them on her pussey, winks directly at me, and bends over a convenient side table so he can take her from behind. Meanwhile, my erstwhile lover has begun to suck on my nipples and is driving me wild! I so want him inside me. I can feel his cock pressing against my belly. Our lips meet and oh my! this is good! I slide down and feel his hairy chest against my face. Taste his sweat.
I grasp his cock in my right hand and run my face slowly along his shaft. I take one of his testicles into my mouth and gently play with it between my tongue and lips. He is really hard now and the foreskin has peeled back just a little, revealing drips coming out of his fat dick. I cup both testicles in my left hand and gently knead them while I use my right to slide back his foreskin so that I can slowly run my lips over the head. This isn't so bad... in fact it's rather fun to make a guy moan and squirm so. I turn my head slightly sideways and circle the ridge behind the head with my tongue while gently clamping and un-clamping his cock with my mouth.
But tonight she grabs me by the crotch and says, "girls, my brother has sooo much to show you..." He thinks he wants to be a girl. So lets help him. Before I know what's happened, my guy clothes are off and some one hands me their panties. Another takes off her corset and says "I think this may fit". My always helpful sister reaches into her purse and brings out an artificial vagina to keep everything tucked up. After this, I'll have to watch where she surfs on the web, the bitch!
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Suddenly a gorgeous, long haired wig is being fitted. Other ladies begin doing my makeup and nails. silk stockings and heels that fit are produced. This is a dream! Some one hands me a very frilly, see trough blouse. She has really nice tits and in not wearing a bra! She pulls on a T shirt from somewhere, with her nipples showing... even though my balls are scrunched up inside of me and penis is stretched between my legs, I can feel it getting soaking wet!
Everyone begins to file back to the main area of the house, me included. As we enter, most of the guys are in various modes of undress, necking and kissing different women, usually some one other than who they came with. I find myself in the middle of a developing orgy, posing as a quite passable female. None of the guys notice anything odd and all of the women in the room keep one eye on me to see how the new girl will react.
Someone has his arm around my waist and is sliding his hand down over my bum. A bum that suddenly feels much fuller and rounder than normal. His fingers begin to probe the crack of my ass! And he has turned me towards him and is nuzzling his head between my boobs. Whoa! I don't have real boobs. Apparently I do now! About C cup and oh do they have gorgeous nipples.
I glance sideways and see my sister grinning. She has her own man standing behind her. She deliberately takes his hands and places them on her pussey, winks directly at me, and bends over a convenient side table so he can take her from behind. Meanwhile, my erstwhile lover has begun to suck on my nipples and is driving me wild! I so want him inside me. I can feel his cock pressing against my belly. Our lips meet and oh my! this is good! I slide down and feel his hairy chest against my face. Taste his sweat.
I grasp his cock in my right hand and run my face slowly along his shaft. I take one of his testicles into my mouth and gently play with it between my tongue and lips. He is really hard now and the foreskin has peeled back just a little, revealing drips coming out of his fat dick. I cup both testicles in my left hand and gently knead them while I use my right to slide back his foreskin so that I can slowly run my lips over the head. This isn't so bad... in fact it's rather fun to make a guy moan and squirm so. I turn my head slightly sideways and circle the ridge behind the head with my tongue while gently clamping and un-clamping his cock with my mouth.
Friday, October 13, 2006
shhhh
shhhh
its alright
you dont have to say a word.
shhh
let it out baby
let that sorrow fall
mumma
i love you mumma
shhhh
I know you do dear
I am here with you now
Its ok
mumma whats wrong with me
shhhh
nothing is wrong dear
you are perfect
I dont feel perfect mumma
I dont know whats wrong
shhh
nothing is wrong
you have so many values
your warm
your loving
your giving
mumma
shhh
you have a heart of gold
your caring
your touching
your so many things
mumma
no Im not
shhh
yes you are
your the world
your unique
your you
dont change
only change for you
mumma
mumma
dont go mummma
mummmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i miss you mumma
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its alright
you dont have to say a word.
shhh
let it out baby
let that sorrow fall
mumma
i love you mumma
shhhh
I know you do dear
I am here with you now
Its ok
mumma whats wrong with me
shhhh
nothing is wrong dear
you are perfect
I dont feel perfect mumma
I dont know whats wrong
shhh
nothing is wrong
you have so many values
your warm
your loving
your giving
mumma
shhh
you have a heart of gold
your caring
your touching
your so many things
mumma
no Im not
shhh
yes you are
your the world
your unique
your you
dont change
only change for you
mumma
mumma
dont go mummma
mummmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i miss you mumma
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sercets & Lies !!!!
I met up with a friend the other day for a coffee and a chat, filling in each other on the latest goss. When he asked me for my opinion on a certain matter concerning himself & his partner, ( I have my veiws but couldnt be honest because I didnt want to hurt his feelings)
basically he met his partner back at the beginning of the year whilst he was studying at college, out of boredom he registered with another well known gay introductry website, they met a couple of times and keep in contact via email & text messages. Then a few months later they started dating properly and finished up living together, at first they had an excellent relationship and a very healthy sex life, then something changed, my friend isnt sure if its to do with him or his partner, but the trust from him towards his partner is hanging by a thread. My mate lives far away from his hometown and doesnt have a lot of friends where he lives now, as the friends he had made have moved onto university in other parts of the country. So the friends that he has left he enjoys spending time with and on occasion will spend the weekend with them as most others would do!. Only to return to find all his belongings packed up by his partner, this has happened a couple of times, I asked him if he had been unfaithful whilst staying with other friends and he swears that he hasnt, most of time he is enjoying having a drink or a smoke (which are thrawned upon by his partner). Who incidently has totally changed from being happy go lucky and fun to be with, who on occasion liked to let his hair down but has changed to be a miserable, condescending toss pot, but I must give him his due he does work hard, but I cant say that as an excuse for acting as he does. My mate says at times his partner creates a bad atmosphere at home and thinks that he may be checking his emails so i said if youve done nothing wrong then youve got nothing to worry about. I asked if they have talked about things to try and sort things out, He replied that if he has a problem it will be mentioned if brought up and would also say something if it was on his mind, But he feels honesty isnt always the best policy, as most things talked about are brought up in arguements and twisted, as his partner has discussed what ever the matter, with his best mate (who is a person that is the last that you'd ask about relationship advice) Personaly I feel that it is a shame that their relationship has gone this way-but think his partner has some issues with insecurities and is putting them onto him, and also I think that he has been unfaithful and is trying to pass the buck as he is too much of a coward to be honest and admit it, or would prefer to be the victim whos partner has been unfaithful to him so that he has something to winge about, I dont know but I feel that should tell him what I really think!
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basically he met his partner back at the beginning of the year whilst he was studying at college, out of boredom he registered with another well known gay introductry website, they met a couple of times and keep in contact via email & text messages. Then a few months later they started dating properly and finished up living together, at first they had an excellent relationship and a very healthy sex life, then something changed, my friend isnt sure if its to do with him or his partner, but the trust from him towards his partner is hanging by a thread. My mate lives far away from his hometown and doesnt have a lot of friends where he lives now, as the friends he had made have moved onto university in other parts of the country. So the friends that he has left he enjoys spending time with and on occasion will spend the weekend with them as most others would do!. Only to return to find all his belongings packed up by his partner, this has happened a couple of times, I asked him if he had been unfaithful whilst staying with other friends and he swears that he hasnt, most of time he is enjoying having a drink or a smoke (which are thrawned upon by his partner). Who incidently has totally changed from being happy go lucky and fun to be with, who on occasion liked to let his hair down but has changed to be a miserable, condescending toss pot, but I must give him his due he does work hard, but I cant say that as an excuse for acting as he does. My mate says at times his partner creates a bad atmosphere at home and thinks that he may be checking his emails so i said if youve done nothing wrong then youve got nothing to worry about. I asked if they have talked about things to try and sort things out, He replied that if he has a problem it will be mentioned if brought up and would also say something if it was on his mind, But he feels honesty isnt always the best policy, as most things talked about are brought up in arguements and twisted, as his partner has discussed what ever the matter, with his best mate (who is a person that is the last that you'd ask about relationship advice) Personaly I feel that it is a shame that their relationship has gone this way-but think his partner has some issues with insecurities and is putting them onto him, and also I think that he has been unfaithful and is trying to pass the buck as he is too much of a coward to be honest and admit it, or would prefer to be the victim whos partner has been unfaithful to him so that he has something to winge about, I dont know but I feel that should tell him what I really think!
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Monday, October 09, 2006
I hate this!
So first off a little story about what I did last night.
Me and my hot roomate had some friends of mine over last night, a couple guys and a couple girls for some drinks and a movie. Well, halfway through our evening my roomie comes over to me and says "Hey, that Julie girl is pretty cute and I think she likes you, you should hit that!"
And of course, I respond with the requisite, yeah, probably, we'll see. (translated: no, I don't wanna fuck a girl right now, especially a friend)
But ok, as the night progresses, somehow the three of us ended up sprawled on the couch during the movie. It was pretty much an Alex sandwich, wich was a little wierd for me, but what the hell.
La dee da, the evening continues, we're drunk, my guy friends leave. So its just me, the roomie, and the 2 girls. Roomate says goodnight, goes into his room, girls immediatly start talking about how "fucking hot" he is. (it's true so I don't blame them) So then Julie, gets up, walks into my roomates bedroom and they had sex. All night. (mind you, she just met him tonight, and has never done anything like this before and isn't a slut) Then the other girl gets on the phone with one of the guys who just left and starts talking about how much she wants to date him.
Here I sit. All the fuck alone. Hating myself.
Now, there are several things that anger me, and a couple of points I want to make.
1) I'm not mad that Julie and my roomie had sex. I didn't want to sleep with her, and he did. I'm mad that he would suggest she might like me and that I should sleep with her, and then he does it. Nice, Thanks!!!!!
2) I hate the fact that I'm not jealous of him. I'm jealous of her. I want him. Can't have him. But such is life.
3) I have shown no animosity toward either of them. However, my roomie has been walking on pins and nails all day as if I must be upset with him. Any normal straight guy would be pissed. Should I pretend to be so my facade is plausible?
4) I miss being as beautiful as he is. I haven't been able to get someone to want me just because I look so good in years, and I'm only 20. What the hell?
5) Its SOOOOOO hard to be closeted. I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not coming out. I want to just be straight. Maybe I can be? Maybe I should just stop being gay. Maybe?
And thats how that went. I'm going to bed now, its gonna be a hard week.
Goodbye.
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Me and my hot roomate had some friends of mine over last night, a couple guys and a couple girls for some drinks and a movie. Well, halfway through our evening my roomie comes over to me and says "Hey, that Julie girl is pretty cute and I think she likes you, you should hit that!"
And of course, I respond with the requisite, yeah, probably, we'll see. (translated: no, I don't wanna fuck a girl right now, especially a friend)
But ok, as the night progresses, somehow the three of us ended up sprawled on the couch during the movie. It was pretty much an Alex sandwich, wich was a little wierd for me, but what the hell.
La dee da, the evening continues, we're drunk, my guy friends leave. So its just me, the roomie, and the 2 girls. Roomate says goodnight, goes into his room, girls immediatly start talking about how "fucking hot" he is. (it's true so I don't blame them) So then Julie, gets up, walks into my roomates bedroom and they had sex. All night. (mind you, she just met him tonight, and has never done anything like this before and isn't a slut) Then the other girl gets on the phone with one of the guys who just left and starts talking about how much she wants to date him.
Here I sit. All the fuck alone. Hating myself.
Now, there are several things that anger me, and a couple of points I want to make.
1) I'm not mad that Julie and my roomie had sex. I didn't want to sleep with her, and he did. I'm mad that he would suggest she might like me and that I should sleep with her, and then he does it. Nice, Thanks!!!!!
2) I hate the fact that I'm not jealous of him. I'm jealous of her. I want him. Can't have him. But such is life.
3) I have shown no animosity toward either of them. However, my roomie has been walking on pins and nails all day as if I must be upset with him. Any normal straight guy would be pissed. Should I pretend to be so my facade is plausible?
4) I miss being as beautiful as he is. I haven't been able to get someone to want me just because I look so good in years, and I'm only 20. What the hell?
5) Its SOOOOOO hard to be closeted. I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not coming out. I want to just be straight. Maybe I can be? Maybe I should just stop being gay. Maybe?
And thats how that went. I'm going to bed now, its gonna be a hard week.
Goodbye.
My favorite Blogs:
Beginning a new liaison with a new man....my first since June
I am happy to log in that I am in the beginning stages of a new relationship...IMs and the first real phone call. So far, everything clicks between us. And I am very happy to say...he seems like my kind of guy....very much relationship oriented...and I think it is very honest of me to say too....he is very sexy in voice and in conversation. Not much at all was discussed about sex...very nice....because we really wished to be respectful to each other. A gentleman....I love respectful gentleman. Is he the one?....Man, I hope so. I really do not wish to speak alot about him much here at this point in time....for I wish to respect him and us...especially since everything is just a beginning. However, I did wish to be honest to my blog and to its readers. And since I am a one man's man who does not cheat on his date or mate (integrity)...I am holding off on dating others who may be interested till my gentleman and I decide where it all goes from here. So, there we have it.
Wish us your best.
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Wish us your best.
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Saturday, October 07, 2006
"Making Mark" or "Justin goes sexploring"
Isn't that the name of a bourbon? I think my dad has a bottle of it in his liquor cabinet. Ah, no, I think the name of hat is Makers Mark, oh well.
Making Mark is about Thrusday night after Mark closed the Marktha curtain. I was in my bed with a hard one wondering if he was going to want to mes around or not. He got into bed without saying anything and after awhile I could hear him tossing around so I figured he was going to sleep. Since I was hard I decided to jackoff. I quietly pushed the sheet down and started doing my thing. I was maybe 5 minutes into it when Marks tosses around and then whispers,
"Hey, if your awake."
I whispered back I was and he told me he could use some help if I wanted, and so out of my bed I happily crawled and went to his side of the room. I started feeling around for his bed and when I found it I felt around more until I was rubbing his leg and feeling my way up it. Touching his balls I played with them some and held them in my hands before feeling around his bush and taking hold of his dick. After stroking him for a few minutes he lifted his right leg and moved it so it was on my lap with me positioned in the middle. I bent down and ran my tongue up and down his dick a number of times before licking the precum from his slit opening. When I did that Mark winced and sighed at the same time and then put his hand on my head and pushed me toward his dick. I eagerly took it in my mouth and when I did, Mark immediately started thrusting in and out of my mouth. I worked him good while I played with his balls and squeezed them.
Mark lifted his right leg and moved it so he ended up with his foot resting in my crotch. He rubbed his foot around on my dick and started thrusting in and out of my mouth again. After a few minutes the feel of his foot on my cock really got me going so I lifted myslef and moved up onto the bed between Marks legs all the while sucking him with steady pumps.
Once I was kneeling between his legs I let his dick fall out of my mouth and licked it's entire length maybe 30 times. And then I went between his legs and sucked his right nut before sucking his left nut. He actually moaned a few good ones when I was sucking his balls. Lifting myself slightly I went back to his cock and took it back into my mouth and started working it. I held it tightly at the base with my left hand and slid my left hand down between his legs, at first playing with his balls and then allowing it to move close to his ass in an attempt to toy with it. This time Mark didn't reach to stop me. I began rubbing around his hole and he kept pumping my mouth. I stopped sucking and licked the middle finger of my right hand and rubbed it around his hole more. He wiggled a little so I pressed it against his hole more making sure to penetrate him just a little. As soon as I did that, Mark's grasp on my head became firmer and he pushed me down on his cock. I deep throated him and pushed my finger inside his ass very slowly. Mark moaned louder and put both of his hands on my head and started ramming my mouth. I started to move my finger in and out of his ass in unison with with his thrusts but he reached down and held my hand still.
"Don't" he whispered, before before returning to face fucking me. I pushed my finger in his ass as deep as I could and while I was sucking him he lifted his leg and using his right foot started rubbing on my leg and up until he was rubbing my dick with his foot. He used his toes to squeeze around my cock and then he lifted his other leg and moved until he had both feet wrapped around my dick. When he moved to that position I was able to push my finger deeper into his hole so I did. It didn't take long before he was breathing fast and hard. I could feel his dick swelling in my mouth so I sucked him with a firmed grip of my lips until he whispered in a most breathy tone,
"Im cumming now" With that he started filling my mouth and his ass muscles were sqeezing my finger tightly. He twitched as he pumped his load down my throat. I swallowed what I could but still a lot of it ran out of my mouth onto his stomach. It had to be the most he had ever cum with me sucking him.
He held my head still and gently continued pumping my mouth.
"Go ahead do yourself"
And so I started pulling on my dick and could feel Mark's dick twitch in my mouth. He wasn't going soft at all which made it very hot. Within minutes I was shooting my load. I could feel it spraying and felt some hit my chin and on Mark's leg, ass and balls. Usually after I cum, Mark is done but this time he just held my head there and didn't move for a long time. I pulled my finger from his ass and only after maybe 3 or 4 minutes passed did he start to move. He pulled his right leg back and in doing so he pulled his dick from my mouth.
"Damn, way intense cum. Night" was all he said and with that I got up and made my way to my bed.
It was kind of hot!
Onto Friday and Justin:
First of all, my classes went every good today. Sounds like we will be having a daily test in Speech so that kind of sucks. I did get a 98 on my first one and don't expect the upcoming one to be much different from what the Prof said.
Justin and I had dinner last night. Caleb had to work until 8 so it worked out perfect. Justin still hasn't called that girl yet so I bugged him about it without going to far. He didn't have a class this afternoon and told me he studied all afternoon. And then when we were eating and talking he told me he got on the internet and looked around to while he was sitting around today. I asked what he was checking out and he told me about some music sites he was looking at. He asked if I ever checked out porn sites and I told him I had and then he said he looked around at some of them to during the afternoon. I asked what he thought and what kind and he told me that it was sure eye opening for him and that he had checked out all kinds of different sites.
And enter: Justin the Inquisitor:
"Have you gotten many blowjobs?"
"Have you given many?"
"Isn't it kind of weird when the guy
shoots?"
"You think girls like giving them?"
"Whats a top?"
"Oh, so are all stright guys considered
tops?"
"Are you considered a top or a bottom
person?"
"So, be honest, do you like giving a bj
to a guy?"
I answered as honestly as I could but laughed a lot since I found myself feeling a little weird talking about it to Justin like that. He even asked if Caleb was a top or bottom. To that I answered I didn't know but was hoping to find out when we went out later. Justin had nothing to say when he heard that except,
"Really, you think you guys will do something?" I told him I doubted it and tried to move the conversation on. Justin just wanted to tell me about all the porn sites he found. Straight ones. Bi ones. Kinky ones. Even gay ones. Pictures. Stories. He spent nearly 4 hours looking around the pron sites. lol
So I asked him if he jacked off while he was looking and told him to be honest. After a bit of ribbing him and admitting that I do sometimes when Im horny, he admitted that he did and used a sock to do it. I could tell that he was a little embarrassed about telling me but I wasn't going to let him avoid telling me if he did.
After he said he had, I told him it was to bad I wasn't around to help. To that he just joked that he bet I would have wanted to if I was. But no way would that ever happen.
The cool part was when we got up I checked out his front pant area and he had a bone going talking about it all. Way cool, I thought.
As far as last night with Caleb went. I will have to tell you about that later. I have laundry to do before the football games this afternoon so, Justin and I are going to go do it now.
Caleb is really nice for sure. He is a lot of fun and just likes having a good time. We saw a movie and then went back to his room. There we started doing some preliminary studies for our human anatonmy class that we might one day take lol. As far as Caleb's anatomy goes. Mmmm good!
And he is versatile! Sweet!
Peace
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Making Mark is about Thrusday night after Mark closed the Marktha curtain. I was in my bed with a hard one wondering if he was going to want to mes around or not. He got into bed without saying anything and after awhile I could hear him tossing around so I figured he was going to sleep. Since I was hard I decided to jackoff. I quietly pushed the sheet down and started doing my thing. I was maybe 5 minutes into it when Marks tosses around and then whispers,
"Hey, if your awake."
I whispered back I was and he told me he could use some help if I wanted, and so out of my bed I happily crawled and went to his side of the room. I started feeling around for his bed and when I found it I felt around more until I was rubbing his leg and feeling my way up it. Touching his balls I played with them some and held them in my hands before feeling around his bush and taking hold of his dick. After stroking him for a few minutes he lifted his right leg and moved it so it was on my lap with me positioned in the middle. I bent down and ran my tongue up and down his dick a number of times before licking the precum from his slit opening. When I did that Mark winced and sighed at the same time and then put his hand on my head and pushed me toward his dick. I eagerly took it in my mouth and when I did, Mark immediately started thrusting in and out of my mouth. I worked him good while I played with his balls and squeezed them.
Mark lifted his right leg and moved it so he ended up with his foot resting in my crotch. He rubbed his foot around on my dick and started thrusting in and out of my mouth again. After a few minutes the feel of his foot on my cock really got me going so I lifted myslef and moved up onto the bed between Marks legs all the while sucking him with steady pumps.
Once I was kneeling between his legs I let his dick fall out of my mouth and licked it's entire length maybe 30 times. And then I went between his legs and sucked his right nut before sucking his left nut. He actually moaned a few good ones when I was sucking his balls. Lifting myself slightly I went back to his cock and took it back into my mouth and started working it. I held it tightly at the base with my left hand and slid my left hand down between his legs, at first playing with his balls and then allowing it to move close to his ass in an attempt to toy with it. This time Mark didn't reach to stop me. I began rubbing around his hole and he kept pumping my mouth. I stopped sucking and licked the middle finger of my right hand and rubbed it around his hole more. He wiggled a little so I pressed it against his hole more making sure to penetrate him just a little. As soon as I did that, Mark's grasp on my head became firmer and he pushed me down on his cock. I deep throated him and pushed my finger inside his ass very slowly. Mark moaned louder and put both of his hands on my head and started ramming my mouth. I started to move my finger in and out of his ass in unison with with his thrusts but he reached down and held my hand still.
"Don't" he whispered, before before returning to face fucking me. I pushed my finger in his ass as deep as I could and while I was sucking him he lifted his leg and using his right foot started rubbing on my leg and up until he was rubbing my dick with his foot. He used his toes to squeeze around my cock and then he lifted his other leg and moved until he had both feet wrapped around my dick. When he moved to that position I was able to push my finger deeper into his hole so I did. It didn't take long before he was breathing fast and hard. I could feel his dick swelling in my mouth so I sucked him with a firmed grip of my lips until he whispered in a most breathy tone,
"Im cumming now" With that he started filling my mouth and his ass muscles were sqeezing my finger tightly. He twitched as he pumped his load down my throat. I swallowed what I could but still a lot of it ran out of my mouth onto his stomach. It had to be the most he had ever cum with me sucking him.
He held my head still and gently continued pumping my mouth.
"Go ahead do yourself"
And so I started pulling on my dick and could feel Mark's dick twitch in my mouth. He wasn't going soft at all which made it very hot. Within minutes I was shooting my load. I could feel it spraying and felt some hit my chin and on Mark's leg, ass and balls. Usually after I cum, Mark is done but this time he just held my head there and didn't move for a long time. I pulled my finger from his ass and only after maybe 3 or 4 minutes passed did he start to move. He pulled his right leg back and in doing so he pulled his dick from my mouth.
"Damn, way intense cum. Night" was all he said and with that I got up and made my way to my bed.
It was kind of hot!
Onto Friday and Justin:
First of all, my classes went every good today. Sounds like we will be having a daily test in Speech so that kind of sucks. I did get a 98 on my first one and don't expect the upcoming one to be much different from what the Prof said.
Justin and I had dinner last night. Caleb had to work until 8 so it worked out perfect. Justin still hasn't called that girl yet so I bugged him about it without going to far. He didn't have a class this afternoon and told me he studied all afternoon. And then when we were eating and talking he told me he got on the internet and looked around to while he was sitting around today. I asked what he was checking out and he told me about some music sites he was looking at. He asked if I ever checked out porn sites and I told him I had and then he said he looked around at some of them to during the afternoon. I asked what he thought and what kind and he told me that it was sure eye opening for him and that he had checked out all kinds of different sites.
And enter: Justin the Inquisitor:
"Have you gotten many blowjobs?"
"Have you given many?"
"Isn't it kind of weird when the guy
shoots?"
"You think girls like giving them?"
"Whats a top?"
"Oh, so are all stright guys considered
tops?"
"Are you considered a top or a bottom
person?"
"So, be honest, do you like giving a bj
to a guy?"
I answered as honestly as I could but laughed a lot since I found myself feeling a little weird talking about it to Justin like that. He even asked if Caleb was a top or bottom. To that I answered I didn't know but was hoping to find out when we went out later. Justin had nothing to say when he heard that except,
"Really, you think you guys will do something?" I told him I doubted it and tried to move the conversation on. Justin just wanted to tell me about all the porn sites he found. Straight ones. Bi ones. Kinky ones. Even gay ones. Pictures. Stories. He spent nearly 4 hours looking around the pron sites. lol
So I asked him if he jacked off while he was looking and told him to be honest. After a bit of ribbing him and admitting that I do sometimes when Im horny, he admitted that he did and used a sock to do it. I could tell that he was a little embarrassed about telling me but I wasn't going to let him avoid telling me if he did.
After he said he had, I told him it was to bad I wasn't around to help. To that he just joked that he bet I would have wanted to if I was. But no way would that ever happen.
The cool part was when we got up I checked out his front pant area and he had a bone going talking about it all. Way cool, I thought.
As far as last night with Caleb went. I will have to tell you about that later. I have laundry to do before the football games this afternoon so, Justin and I are going to go do it now.
Caleb is really nice for sure. He is a lot of fun and just likes having a good time. We saw a movie and then went back to his room. There we started doing some preliminary studies for our human anatonmy class that we might one day take lol. As far as Caleb's anatomy goes. Mmmm good!
And he is versatile! Sweet!
Peace
My favorite Blogs:
My love doctor
Honestly i am a bit torn as to what i should do. the problem is that the person i first had a Man to man encounter with is really a doctor.
i have known him for at least 3 yrs and we had sex for the first time about 18 months ago, but yet we remained very good friends. but recently he made it known that he would like to repeat our sexual experience, for he constantly think about me , even when making love to his partner.
the thing is i do like him a lot, but i have no idea as to how i really felt, for all this is relatively new to me, and when i first found out that he had a partner i refused to ever had sex with him again and never slept with him since. i just cannot cope with the idea of helping him cheat on his partner. yes, he is hot , blonde the typical stunning look and works out often, loves walking his dog and taking care of his patients. he is a very nice, hot genuine 41yrs old doctor , but should i sleep with him again.
i am a young black man whose only male experience was with doctor j, the experience was wonderful but i am afraid to repeat, for i do have a girl friend now and cannot think of cheating on her.
As for doctor j, he seems to not really care, when it comes to cheating. he is very flamboyant and loves young black men. lately i have been thinking a lot and seems to be confuse, whether i should repeat the experience. when we first met we had an instance attraction. we met at a dance club called unity and it was my first time into the bi-sexual realm.
my first gay club , first male dance partner and six months after my first gay sex. but today i have never repeated the experience, for i am too afraid that it would not be the same. being 25 yrs, i works out 6 days a week and is very athletic, as is known as having a sexy banging body, so what is my problem?
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gay lover
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i have known him for at least 3 yrs and we had sex for the first time about 18 months ago, but yet we remained very good friends. but recently he made it known that he would like to repeat our sexual experience, for he constantly think about me , even when making love to his partner.
the thing is i do like him a lot, but i have no idea as to how i really felt, for all this is relatively new to me, and when i first found out that he had a partner i refused to ever had sex with him again and never slept with him since. i just cannot cope with the idea of helping him cheat on his partner. yes, he is hot , blonde the typical stunning look and works out often, loves walking his dog and taking care of his patients. he is a very nice, hot genuine 41yrs old doctor , but should i sleep with him again.
i am a young black man whose only male experience was with doctor j, the experience was wonderful but i am afraid to repeat, for i do have a girl friend now and cannot think of cheating on her.
As for doctor j, he seems to not really care, when it comes to cheating. he is very flamboyant and loves young black men. lately i have been thinking a lot and seems to be confuse, whether i should repeat the experience. when we first met we had an instance attraction. we met at a dance club called unity and it was my first time into the bi-sexual realm.
my first gay club , first male dance partner and six months after my first gay sex. but today i have never repeated the experience, for i am too afraid that it would not be the same. being 25 yrs, i works out 6 days a week and is very athletic, as is known as having a sexy banging body, so what is my problem?
My favorite Blogs:
I really like blogs, but
Most of all I like to read blogs. And gay blogs are the place, where
I can find the reflaction of my thoughts and even dreams. I want to
show you my favorite collection of blog pieces, what made one big
picture of usual gay life.
My favorite Blogs:
Meet gay
Gay datings
Single gay
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Single gay personals
Meet gay friend
Gay datings
Meet single gay
Single gay personals
gay lover
single gays
meet single gay
I can find the reflaction of my thoughts and even dreams. I want to
show you my favorite collection of blog pieces, what made one big
picture of usual gay life.
My favorite Blogs:
Hallo to every body.
Hi, gays.
Is it interesting to make posts? Or its better to read it? Anyway make you choice and wellcome to my postings.My favorite Blogs: