Death

One of my close friends died yesterday. She was 16 years old. Some asshole hit her with a car. I don't want to go off on this tangent about how he should be killed and all that angry stuff, but I do want to say I hope it hurts him. I know what death is, but it's never hit me this hard. My grandparents died, but I didnt understand it then. Now I can't help but make all the complicated questions spring to life in my mind. Where is she now? Where's that spark that used to be my friend? extinguished? Can't be. She was so much energy in one space...she defied the laws of physics...maybe she defied the laws of nature and is alive somewhere? I can't write anymore, this just hurts so much, I can't believe it. She's actually gone. She was too damn young to take that trip alone. Way too damn young.

Is it all about the sex?

I look back at both of my gay experiences and they really were nothing more than just the desire for sex. Granted, I put myself out there for them and wanted more from the whole deal, but they just wanted to bed someone. So, I guess, that question is up for debate. Is there a way to have a relationship with a guy and it not be based solely on sex?
I really don't know the answer. I don't pledge to know any way to come to the answer. I wish that I knew so that way I could tell atman82 as well as the knowledge for myself. I really want to know that if this is an exercise in futility or not. If it is, then I will try being straight again so that I can actually know what it feels like to be loved, even if I might be lying to myself.
Of course, I guess I could be a bit stingant about my past experiences. I have had only two, with younger guys, and it ended up with us not talking anymore, at all. *sighs* I hate to think that I would talk to another human being, but I have just... left someone and have not talked to them since that last day. I have done it before...
But why am I talking about that? I am going off on a rabbit trail...
So, is there any point? Is there any reason I should keep trying to be gay when there is no promise of a relationship waiting for me? Granted, for me being the way I am, being straight can't promise me that either, shy of being with a butch girl and I am not doing that...
Is it wrong to question this? Have I come to the crossroad that I can go back and "revert", as it were? Should I? What would happen? Would it be my destiny? Is it what I am destined to do?
*looks down*
I guess I need to spend some alone time and see if I can come to an conclusion about this. I am not leaving OP, not by any stretch of the imagination. I maybe just feeling a little depressed and I will be fine later on, but for now, the questions still remain.... Is this what I am supposed to do? Is being gay only about the sex?